Breaking Free from the Same Fight: The PACT Approach to Repetitive Arguments
If you and your partner keep having the same argument over and over—just with different details—you're not alone. Many couples find themselves trapped in cycles where the topic changes but the pattern stays maddeningly familiar. One person feels unheard, the other feels attacked, and before you know it, you're both entrenched in your positions, trying to prove who's right. You might even wonder: is this what authentic partnership is supposed to feel like?
Here's what we often tell couples who work with us:
You don't have a communication problem. You have a regulation problem.
The Real Issue Isn't Communication
When couples come to therapy at The Authentic Life, they frequently say their biggest issue is communication. And while it's true that communication matters, focusing solely on "better communication skills" misses the deeper issue. The real problem is that when you're both distressed, your nervous systems are dysregulated, making it nearly impossible to hear each other—no matter how perfectly you phrase things.
Being authentic in your relationship doesn't mean always expressing every feeling in the moment. It means being genuine about what's actually happening: when you're dysregulated, you're not capable of your best self. And pretending otherwise keeps you stuck.
This is where PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) offers a different lens. PACT recognizes that we're not just thinking beings having a disagreement; we're psychobiological organisms whose brains and bodies are designed to either feel safe together or perceive threat. When your partner criticizes you or withdraws, your nervous system doesn't distinguish between emotional threat and physical danger. It simply reacts.
What Secure Functioning Actually Means
In PACT, we work toward what's called secure functioning—a way of being together where both partners prioritize the relationship's safety and stability above being right or winning an argument. This is where authentic partnership truly begins: when you can be real with each other without sacrificing safety.
Secure functioning is grounded in the principles of sensitivity, fairness, justice, and respect. These aren't just nice ideals—they're the operating system for a relationship that can weather conflict and difference.
Secure functioning means:
You protect each other, even in conflict. You don't say things designed to wound, and you don't use your intimate knowledge of each other as ammunition. This is respect in action.
You manage your own distress while staying present. Instead of expecting your partner to calm you down or walking away entirely, you learn to co-regulate—to help each other return to a state where productive conversation is possible. This is sensitivity to both your own state and your partner's.
You operate as a team with shared purpose. You recognize that your relationship needs both of you functioning well, so you bargain and negotiate rather than trying to convince the other person they're wrong. This is fairness and justice—honouring that both partners' needs matter equally.
You expect differences and see them as normal. Secure functioning doesn't mean always agreeing. It means being able to navigate disagreements without threatening the foundation of your connection.
From "Who's Right?" to "What Works for Us?"
The shift PACT invites couples to make is profound: instead of focusing on who's right, you focus on what creates more togetherness and shared purpose. This is the foundation of living authentically as a couple—not performing a perfect relationship, but building a real one.
This doesn't mean abandoning your needs or perspectives. True authenticity requires honouring your own truth while making space for your partner's. It means recognizing that in an intimate relationship, proving your partner wrong is a hollow victory. Even if you "win" the argument, you both lose if the relationship feels less safe afterward.
When we work with couples, we help them see that distress in relationships is actually an integral skill. Learning to manage conflict, tolerate differences, and negotiate competing needs isn't a sign that something's wrong with your relationship—it's part of what makes intimate partnership sustainable over time.
The Bargaining Alternative
Instead of trying to convince your partner that your perspective is the correct one, secure functioning couples learn to bargain. Bargaining acknowledges that:
Both of you have legitimate needs and preferences
Neither perspective is inherently more valid than the other
The goal is finding solutions that work for both of you, not determining who's objectively "right"
This might sound like:
"I know you need more social time with friends. I need more predictable time together. How do we honour both?"
"You want to save more aggressively. I want to enjoy our money now. What's a middle ground we can both live with?"
Notice how different this feels from "You're too controlling about money" or "You're irresponsible with our finances."
Moving Forward
If you and your partner are stuck in repetitive arguments, consider this: the content of your fights might be different each time, but the underlying pattern is likely about feeling unsafe, unseen, or unprotected in the relationship.
The path forward isn't learning better communication techniques, though those can help. It's learning to regulate yourselves together, to protect each other even when you disagree, and to prioritize your shared security over individual righteousness. It's learning to live authentically—not as isolated individuals defending your positions, but as partners navigating life together.
Your differences aren't the problem. They're expected, normal, and navigable—if you're both committed to secure functioning. In fact, being able to show up as your authentic self, complete with needs and preferences that sometimes conflict with your partner's, is part of what makes intimate relationship meaningful.
The question isn't whether you'll have conflicts. It's whether you'll use those conflicts to deepen your connection or drive you further apart. With practice, awareness, and often the help of a skilled PACT therapist, you can learn to do the former.
And that changes everything. That's when you stop performing in the relationship you think you should have and start building the authentic partnership you actually want.
Ready to break free from repetitive arguments? At The Authentic Life, we specialize in working with couples using the PACT approach. Our therapists are trained to help you move beyond communication tips and into the deeper work of building secure functioning together. If you're ready to stop repeating the same conflicts and start creating the authentic partnership you deserve, we can help. Contact us to schedule a consultation.